[28 Aug 2006|01:49am] too bad my emotions didnt match my rationality. post comment

[21 Aug 2006|11:11pm] its monday. night. im sitting in my room by myself but i like it this way. the only two people i would like to be with i cant be with right now. so i dont really care about anyone else and am perfectly content right here. right now. im not really happy with going back to school, work-the entire idea of it, summer ending, and the fact that i will be working every day from when ross gets back till when he starts classes. im going to go downstairs and make macaroni and cheese and forget about all of these things. post comment

[18 Aug 2006|10:53pm] there is a show on my television and every time i look over to see whats going on, the man is eating something odd...frog, turtle, rattlesnake, now. i hung out with stephanie and joanna all day today. i enjoyed it alot! my throat hurts. i wish it would get better soon. i miss ross already. 7 days till he comes back from woodward :] post comment

[16 Aug 2006|01:17am] today at work alot of people ordered chocolate ice cream and i hate scooping chocolate ice cream because its so much harder than any other ice cream. it makes my hand hurt. it hurts right now, actually. im listening to little mermaid songs right now. ross surprised me and visited me at work and brought me spicys!!!!! it was sooo yummy. and i was sooooo hungry. it made me really happy. and it kept me really happy through all of the terrible chocolate icecream/milkshake(i hate making those too) customers. after i got off work ross and i hung out in the chowder house parkin lot and sat next to my car and talked about all sorts of stuff! like broken bones and skydiving and other things too! i had to go home and take a shower and he had to go home and feed his doggie so we both left but then he came over my house later at night. we left in his car with some spray paint and the idea of using it somewhere. a house up the road had a whole bunch of cardboard out for the garbage tomorrow so we took and bunch and got some coffee and wrote and painted different things on them. thennnnn we drove around and put them out in strategic places so people will see them when they pass by in their cars :) we also made a huge sign for stephanie because today was her birthday. we left it at her house. i hope she finds it and the garbage man doesnt throw it into the truck :( mmmmhmmm so then ross brought me back home and we were both real tired so he went home and i went inside and now im gonna go to bed cause its hurting my ice cream scoopin hand to type!!!!! post comment

[14 Aug 2006|01:51pm] i have to start with cleaning my room. for the past few dys and for the past few weeks i have been feeling terrible. terrible about myself and terrible about who i am. most of all because i feel like i am nothing. nothing which defines me. i have no interests which i love. nothing which i look forward to doing, nothing which relaxes me, nothing which will produce some kind of result. i used to have so many interests, i loved drawing and painting and any kind of art you could imagine, and writing, and sewing, making clothes and bags and reading. i used to ride my bike everywhere and skateboard. almost all of these i havent done in a very very long time or do them very infrequently. and as much as i want to do them, i have no motivation to. i dont even want to sit here and write this. i was talking to ross about it before and he said how it was weird that i never did any of the stuff i seemed to/ used to be really into. and honestly it made me feel bad but its the truth. i cant stand to feel this way and i want it to go away. i need to be the one to change something. im gonna go break the law. post comment

[10 Aug 2006|12:01am] i feel really bad right now and i do this all the time. i dont want to make other people feel bad just because i do. i dont know how to talk to somebody without letting all of my worries and all of the things upsetting me come out. i just cant do it.im just jealous, really. not normal jealous. i often mistake feeling jealous for feeling upset or angry or annoyed, but its really just jealousy. jane told me today that i am way to hard on myself. maybe i really am. maybe im too hard on my preception of my life. i just look at it and i see that for the last few years i have worked and gone to school. as much as i want to be able to have money and i want to go to school there are so many things i want to do. i want to do something different. i want to go somewhere. or look forward to something. i hung out with alex tonight and i dont want to but i get jealous of all of the stuff she has done, just in the past two years. she has gone to india, israel, alaska...shes going to school in paris for the year...she has friends from different places...she works so hard though. i really like, think its so amazing how she can do all of the things she does and go to a school like sarahlawrence and get straight a's. and i get jealous of other people too. and i hate how it comes out like im angry or annoyed. i just talked to ross and this is what started my whole entry but i feel like when i talk to him and hes out doin lots of fun stuff i get excited for him and wanna know about it, but then after a lil bit i just cant help but feel bad about myself cause im sitting at home on my computer. and i just wish that i had friends who visited me from other states or stayed at my house. i wish that i did something, like skateboard, which would enable me to make friends with other people who had that same interests. i wish i made artwork as often as i used to or more often...and then it turns into me just remembering every little thing i am even slightly upset about and i blow everything out of proportion and get upset with myself for being upset at soemthing so silly. ill just wake up tomorrow and be fine with everything in my life. post comment

[31 Jul 2006|09:38am] hey!! i dont even remember the last time i updated on this thing! wowzers. its monday and i dont have work (finally) but i do have this bowling for a cure thing tonight for old navy. it should be fun though. we were supposed to raise 50 dollars each but i didnt raise any so far :( im sure my parents will give me some and ross said hed give me ten bucks so at leat ill have a lil. its for a good cause so i actually wanna try and raise some money! before i go today, ross and i are gonna try and get warped tour tickets because apparently they do sell out and i had no idea. its so beautiful outside though, so maybe well do something else fun!!!!! right now its only 945am and i think im going to make myself a nice big icey drink and put on my bikini and lay outside with a book!!!!! post comment

[20 Jun 2006|11:38pm] im average and boring and only once can i remember being the center of attention. post comment

[01 Jun 2006|09:15pm] i hate being alone when i have pms. i want to go out and wear my new shirtdress. i want to get ice cream and walk around. i want to drink coffee and/or tea and talk. i want to look at the water. or the people walking into 7 11. i want to watch a movie. i want to walk. i want to be anywhere but by myself in my bedroom. there are 2 people online. one is my cousin. the other is in florida. my dad and brother are watching a car show. i dont like car shows. my mom is in the shower/bathroom. now she is talking to me about one of the most annoying things to talk about. ugh. fuck livejournal. i hate writing anyway. post comment

[19 May 2006|10:35am] this summer, i would like to read alot of books. post comment

[26 Mar 2006|01:50am] **i deleted this entry because i dont think i will ever finish it** post comment

[20 Mar 2006|11:59pm] king+queen post comment

[17 Mar 2006|02:11am] Rosss a Wbeauty: Goodnight my little pookiebearrrrrrrr <3 post comment

[12 Mar 2006|12:28am] to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. to hell with you and all your friends. post comment

[08 Mar 2006|08:04pm] ive been wanting to make clothes alot lately but i always feel like there are obstacles which are too hard to overcome. the biggest obstacle is that there is no room in my room to even set up my sewing machine. the next would be that even if i cleared some space, the mess i would create in sewing would be such a big one, that it would put back back so far in the room cleaning process. the next obstacle would be that i suck at sewing and am even worse at sketching. the next is that i dont have enough drive to actually make and finish (finish being the point im trying to make here) something without getting distracted or decide to do soemthing else or get frustrated. i get frustrated very easily. i was thinking about things which make me frustrated and angry today and i realized there are alot of them. there are alot of things which just piss me off and i have no idea why, or have some idea but that doesnt warrant the amount of emotion i put into being angry and frustrated. idk.wtf. my brother listens to alot of ska. i can hear it through the walls. i wouldnt mind listening to the impossibles right now but the cd is in my car and theres no way im going outside to get it. the finale of project runway is on tonight and i hope santino wins because from the look of daniels collection it seems too boring and just not anything special at all and chloes looked like 18th century garbage bags and just had no direction whatsoever, but mayeb its just cause i like santino and liked him all along, i always like designers who go over the top and dont just stick to borign and plain designs, even if they are good boring and plain designs. yeah, so im kinda excited about that tonight, but kinda upset because i was looking forward to watching it with someone and i dont think anyone really cares about it. stephanie might come over but i havent talked to her since like 2 oclock and i was gonna ask ross to watch it with me but hes chillin with his friend and idk i feel annoying being like o come hang out with me tonight and watch tv, because we did that last night, ugh i have this fear of being annoying, its a really restricting fear because it makes me not even try things, i mean all that could happen would be that he could say nah, and ill be like ok, just thought id ask, and then be on my merry way. i wouldnt be offended or mad or anything but i just feel annoying asking him to come out here to watch it cause he probably wants to hang out with his friends and stuff i guess and thats cool when i get wrapped up in a fear i get really wrapped up in it. i dont want to be that fucking annoying girl who is always like bf hang out with me and then he feels obligated to i dont want to be an obligation i dont want his friends to be like ugh yr fucking gf rules yr life and its all such a stupid dumb fear because i dont think he would ever be like that and i know that i would ever be like that either because im not like that at alllllllll but i just get so worried ill be annoying ooommmggggi dont even know what im talking about i feel dizzy kind of. im gonna shut up now and stop talking about stupid nonsense ill just go eat the giant bag of peanut butter mandm's my mom bought me and she got nyquil for me to take tonight because i cant stand to cough one more time, i have been coughing for 2 weeks about and i feel like im going to throw up from doing it so much and i cant sleep because every time im about to fall asleep i have to cough and its really quite a bother. post comment

[26 Feb 2006|08:30pm] i went outside for the first time today, it is 830 at night i might add and it feels distinctivly like snow. im watching a lifetime movie and the father from 7th heaven is in it and its so weird when an actor has a role in a show or a movie and then you see them in another show or movie and you just cant get the character they are best known or only known for out of their new role. like the boy who plays harry potter in the movies. how is he ever gonna play another role and not have people think of him as harry potter. good ol daniel radcliff, i think that is how you spell his name. there is a western civilization test i have tomorrow at eight oclock in the morning and i am so bored yet i dont want to study. this is my last semester at suffolk. i want to do my best and i want to make the best of it. but i just dont want to do work ever... for any class. i want to learn and i want to discuss and i want to discover new things i want to share information and i want to talk about things that matter. i feel like ive lost alot of my emotional attachments to things and they have been this way for a while. i dont know how to explain it to anyone, i tried explaining to stephanie the other night how i have such a hard time talking to people who i dont know, which is basically everyone, and i just dont even understand how to explain it to anyone, i couldnt explain it to her. to just put it plainly i feel like i lack emotion but i have not always been this way, i hate being this way. i think it has alot to do with my relationship with max. it made me not care abotu alot of things or my feelings becuase i was just unhappy alot of the time so i put everything out of my mind. i felt helpless. he never helped and always made me feel weird and awkward about how i was shy and i could never talk to him abotu anything important or personal so i just stopped doing it. i dont know. i guess thats what happened. maybe im putting the blame in the wrong place. maybe im not. i want to think about things. i want to talk about things. i want to learn and i want to explore. i remember when i met ross i was so unhappy with my relationship with max but what i forgot was how happy i could be. hanging out and being with someone and talking to someone who you truly and genuinely enjoy and want to be with is such a great feeling and i had forgotten what that even felt like. i forgot what it was like to look forward to talking to or seeing someone. wow well this is getting really corny and ive gotten to that point where i cant concentrate. basically im trying to convey that im really truly so happy that i met ross and i like him so much and i want to think with him and i want to talk with him about everything and i want to learn with him and i want to explore with him and i want to discuss things with him and i want to discover with him and i want to share things with him and i really want to move to a farm and he can come live there with me we can have animals but not to eat just to have and there will definately be a river nearby. i love living in these fantasys. i read this random girls myspace the other day and her 'who id like to meet' made me go o wow thats amazing, even though it was so simple it described her idea of an amazing boy and i want to find it right now and copy and paste it in here cause i suck with words and writing as you can see from my pathetic attempt at a journal here but i want to paste it here Who I'd like to meet: a really sweet boy. who will treat me like a lady. who will hold my hand. and give me forehead kisses. who will go on adventures with me. who will love me unconditionally. who will be honest and trustworthy. a boy to share secrets with. and who will make me smile. i truly thought that was amazing and what i thought was even more amazing was that i would put something like that in the who id like to meet of my myspace but i dont have to because ive already met that boy. heehehehehehehehehehe <3. post comment

[19 Feb 2006|09:47pm] ilikehim! post comment

[18 Feb 2006|07:53pm] i spent the afternoon at the hospital because what i thought was a harmless bugbite/infected hairfollicle behind my knee turned out to be a massive infection which began to spread up and down my leg. i waited there for about 2 hrs in the waiting area and then about an hour and a half in a room. i was hooked up to an iv because the infec†ion was spreading so fast, it was the first time i was ever hooked up to one. i got to watch hgtv while i had the iv in though which was sweet, a show called 'bad baths usa' was on and it showed all of these super ugly and non-fuctional and dysfunctional and some were kinda cool bathrooms. i didnt get to see the last few cause my mom turned off the tv when she was talkin to the doctor. blegh im at home nowww and i cant really bend my leg so well, i also am not supposed to walk on it and keep it elevatednvdskjhdfklx i want to bleach my hair, but im feeling a little lazy and dont feel like going through the trouble. the hair bleach was a STEAAALLLLLL! i hope it works well, it was 75 percent off at cvs. ive never heard of anything being 75 percent off at cvs except maybe old halloween candy during the month of january. i want to bleach it so i can dye it blue. ive never had blue hair before. or green. i think thats it. ive had pretty much every other color in my hair at one point. uuugfh i wanna read but i cant, i just cant pay attention to reading. i started crying at the hospital today because i tried reading an essay in one of my books for school but i couldnt pay attetntion and i felt really stupid because i never felt this was beofre, not before the last couple years, my mind doesnt think right its all cloudy it scares me so much. my attetntion span is too short and i forget things too easily. i like to fix everything myself. i never ask for help, i hate asking for help, i hate that i hate asking for help. i tried holding back crying about it today but i couldnt and then had to tell my mom what i was crying about and i felt even stupider. stupider isnt a word, fuckhead. i cant wait for the summer or at least the warm weather. i cant wait even more than last year, and i was more psyched on summer last year than i ever had been. im gettin kind of annoyed right now because im trying to change the layout of my lj and no matter what i do i cant get the links to work and there is this periwinkle colored border around the entries and its annoying cause i want everything black and white and grey. gahh. post comment

[12 Feb 2006|11:04pm] god knows i know im not sure but ill decorate the spine for her were not who we might prefer the motives move so self-asssured theyre tearing the bark off. it was already torn they lie with their hearts crossed with words that were one theyre broken and breathless they fall through these folds were hopelessly helpless they begged to REVERSE THE ROLES. reverse the roles post comment

[12 Feb 2006|01:03pm] its snowingggg and it has been since yesterday... so i ate a bunch of lucky charms they are my fav ^__^ straightxedgexrevenge!hahahahahhahahxzjkasxhksa post comment

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